Hey guys, I know, blogs two days in a row, don’t get too crazy haha. I was just cleaning my room because my mom has been nagging at me since I moved back in August haha. Didn’t make much progress because I started finding all these things from freshman year high school up until I went to Iowa, which then led me to reminisce on my four years at Iowa.
I found all of my acceptance letters from Marquette, UCF, U of I, Northern Arizona and of course Iowa and I just wonder how different my life would have been. For those of you who don’t know 1) I would have attended Marquette had they had a football program (not to play LOLZ), 2) U of I was my dream school growing up. I had a camp counselor when I was like 10 and ever since then I was obsessed, it became my life’s mission… and I did it. But when I went to visit it wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t feel the connection I felt at the other schools I had been accepted to. 3) Summer before senior (my best and most memorable because a lot of firsts happened that summer) I went to Disney World with my mom and I am obsessed with Disney. My aunt told me I should look into going to UCF since I was crazy obsessed and when I went to visit I FELL IN LOVE. So that was it. I accepted to UCF, had my roommate and dorm, paid a little… and then on May 1st.. I’ll never forget, my mom and I got into a huge argument and she told me she didn’t want me to go there and to spite her I chose Iowa. Well, I don’t think I could ever thank my mom enough for that. Iowa changed my life so much.
I went into Iowa like this super confused girl in life. (I’m still a little confused in life) But when I went to Iowa my major was psychology, and no offense to my psychology major friends, but I can not imagine having spent four years of my life studying something that was so boring. Journalism may not be what I want to do, but it was a lot of fun and it led me to what I do want to do in life and that is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Going into Iowa I was like kind of the ugly duckling, if we’re being honest haha. Not saying i’m any better now, but literally no one wanted me in hs. Until two summers before and I was so scared I would make the wrong decision when it came to boys. Hell, I’m still scared I’m going to do that. And I would love to say that in college I learned to love myself so much more and am so optimistic about my future love life but I’m not really ha. I wouldn’t say i’m pessimistic but I’m kind of just like, don’t expect anything and that is honestly when something good will come along.
Can’t say I didn’t already feel that with Taylor, but everything is not meant to be. And maybe that’s what I learned. I learned what heartbreak feels like and I think that overall made me a stronger person. Kind of wish it would have happened before I graduated but oh well haha.
But I also know I’ll never be that same happy girl who wants to do everything for a guy in a relationship anymore. How could you when the guy you love looks you in the eyes and lies to you? There’s no way to feel the same after that. How do you think you’re good enough after that? You don’t. Well at least I don’t.
So I say, yeah it’s four years later and I am so much smarter, not only school wise, but life wise. I know that I still have so much to learn it’s crazy. I know that everything is not going to always work out, but every single things that happens in the process does have a lesson at the end. I need to let go sometimes and stop being such an uptight bitch about everything. I need to take chances and learn how to forget about the past. Because it is the past for a reason. I need to learn to love again, but first I need to learn how to love myself again. I don’t want you all to get the impression that I hate myself cause that is so far from the truth. But I think girls (not just me) have a tendency to dwell on the past and think that everything is their fault and that there are so many things we could have done differently for different results.
I feel like I’m kind of contradicting myself because I know what I need to do to be a better person, doing it is just so damn hard sometimes. Sometimes I want to be a immature bitch and cry about things I can’t change. Sometimes I want to tell Taylor how much I think he scarred me but I KNOW that I am so much stronger than this. I know that one day I will be able to look back on everything and say “Damn, it’s four years later and I am no longer that girl.”
I’m so excited for that day. But until then, I’m going to love this life and try new things, and take chances and love and be loved and not dwell and take one extra tequila shot at the end of the night, because WHY NOT, and most of all I’m going to be HAPPY :).